Two words: New Coke

While I am not a fan of Valentine's Day (we'll save that tirade for a later post), there is a certain excitement every year when the VDay candies hit the retail shelves. I just see the red and pink bags and start feeling giddy. Giddy because my all-time favorite candy has just been released again. We're talking my FAVORITE candy, people! February is the only time of the year when I skip the chocolate and head straight for the sugar, straight for the conversation hearts. I heart hearts! And not just any conversation hearts. Nope. Give me the classic conversation hearts by NECCO complete with the cutesy sayings and sugary goodness. Yum! I am on a virtual sugar high just thinking about them. Double yum!

Imagine my surprise yesterday when I opened my first candy hearts bag of the season and was overwhelmed by a fruity sweet smell. Conversation hearts aren't supposed to be fruity. What's this? Hmm. Maybe it was just a fluke. I eagerly ate one three and thought I bought the wrong bag. I checked and, yes, it says manufactured by the New England Confectionery Company, Inc. right there on the bag so it wasn't a case of brand switcheroo. Another few hearts hit the mouth and the taste was, well, fruity. What's going on? These are definitely NOT my favorite conversation hearts. Panic is beginning to set in along with a very icky aftertaste. I'm not sure which is worse at this point, the panic or the icky aftertaste.

Still having faith in my all-time favorite candy I forged ahead. I even ate a few more. When the Turkey and his friend got in the car I gave each a handful of candy hearts with instructions to try them. Knowing my obsession with conversation hearts, the Turkey was happy to see them again and eagerly ate the candies. He quickly had much the same reaction I had earlier: BLECK! When the boy in the backseat echoed another ICK (which sounded curiously like "these suck!" at the time) I knew something was amiss. It was no longer just me.

As soon as we got home I was on the computer and scouring the web for information. This was a complete travesty. Why would anyone mess with a perfectly good candy, much less my FAVORITE candy? It had to be corporate terrorism or something. But no. I quickly learned this ickyness was intentional. NECCO was unleashing their version of New Coke on the unsuspecting world. Here is what their website says:

New Sayings & Colors
For the first time in 145 years, Sweethearts® discarded all its previous phrases and asked the American public to tell us how they express their love. The 2010 Sweethearts® are featured in bright and bolder new colors.
New Flavors & Texture
All new flavors for 2010 Sweethearts® include Strawberry, Green Apple, Lemon, Grape, Orange and Blue Raspberry. The new Sweethearts® have been re-formulated to be softer and more fun to eat.

Um. People. People. People! If it was working for 145 years and you had a terrific share of the VDay candy market, why get rid of a good thing?!?! One hundred and forty five years for goodness sake! I can understand the need to diversify and offer a new flavor, but take a page from Coke's history and keep classic conversation hearts. Puh-leeze! Bring back the classic conversation hearts! BRING BACK THE CLASSIC CONVERSATION HEARTS!

These new hearts taste fruity, icky, like Bubble Yum gum. The sayings are sloppily imprinted and many are illegible. The colors are fake, bright pastels. The flavors are icky. They leave an awful aftertaste. Even the new packaging leaves much to be desired. And have I mentioned they taste icky? Bleck! I am disappointed. I am sad. I am bereft. My favorite candy is no longer available.

You might think this is a big joke. You might think that I had nothing else to say today and chose to go off on a funny tangent about Valentine candy. You might think that and you would be wrong. No, I mean it. I am upset. NECCO toyed with my all-time favorite candy, the one thing that made this time of year bright. I may not have had a VDay date or an excuse to buy-in to the VDay hype but I always -- and I do mean always -- had conversation hearts throughout February. They were at home, on my desk, affixed to cards and candles, stashed in the car, purchased in bulk and eaten throughout the year. These were my signature candies. Like Reagan was to jelly beans, Jess was to hearts. Was. Past tense. *snif*

Much like the debacle with New Coke, I am hoping NECCO quickly recognizes the egregious error of their ways and re-releases classic conversation hearts. Keep these new [icky] fruity thingies for the kids if you must, but bring back classic conversation hearts. BRING BACK CLASSIC CONVERSATION HEARTS!

I am not just ranting to you, dear reader. Oh no. This is serious. My strategy involves facebook posts, office taste tests, encouraging others to write to NECCO, flogging, talking, complaining, not purchasing the new hearts and sulking. I'm sure the sulking will sway the company. Not! But letters will! If you feel the same, similar, or even remotely close about the new conversation hearts please write to NECCO here. Hopefully they will get the message. New conversation hearts = New Coke. Bleck!

Come on, chant it with me, people: BRING BACK CLASSIC HEARTS! BRING BACK CLASSIC HEARTS! BRING BACK CLASSIC HEARTS!